Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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