you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
