matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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