My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
