Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
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don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
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How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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