two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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