I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
