What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
