first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
babies were throwing up all over the place
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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