you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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