I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Pants are for mortals
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
