what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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