I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
