i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
