I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
