you didnt know i had herpes?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize