you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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