Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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