Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
