Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
