Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
