Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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