Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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