I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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