i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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