Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
