Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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