I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
