All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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