I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
