Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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