Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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