He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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