I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
