haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
