We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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