Ambien. No doubt about it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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