Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
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When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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