I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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