I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
