Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
