I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
