I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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