i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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