The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
