so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
