all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
