It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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