Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
