I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Holy shit dude........stairs
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
