It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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