ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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