Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
