Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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