Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
