At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
