Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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