Someone shit on the floor
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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