i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm really busy with my period
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