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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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