If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
