I cannot find my penis.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
