he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
