So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Did I show you my penis last night?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
this hospital has no fireball
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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